When everything’s heading south (like a sun starved Scandinavian)

When I was younger I used to hate when men looked at me in that special way that makes you feel like all they’re thinking about is humping your leg.

Now that I am forty-something and I find that while my looks are fading fast my need for attention hasn’t, and I actually miss those looks being thrown my way. When you forty-something you’re suddenly overlooked, almost invisible and no one realizes the painful truth of it more than I. I realise that I have wasted a good twenty years spurning these men when I should have been “working the room” so to speak, making contacts for the future. Problem is that I have so perfected the death stare over the years that it now comes completely natural to me. It’s as much part of me as the cup of coffee I need in the morning to get started and it will be levelled at any poor sod who has the bad taste of looking at me like they even remotely are thinking about doing the horizontal mamba with me. You can’t blame me. It’s hard to forge a serious career when you are a young blonde blue-eyed little thing which apparently screams anything but business, especially if your chosen field is engineering. It teaches one to become a snarly witch if for no other reason than to make people take notice. Because of this I probably don’t stand a chance in the dating game nowadays because I’m way too cynical and sarcastic, and I have realized that I will now have to “work for it”. Ugh!

So let me tell all you youngsters out there (on the off chance that someone is actually reading this) that as time passes you will eventually be faced with a dilemma or two. You will be wrinklier and parts of you that you didn’t think could possibly sag actually will (you will without any doubt for the first time in your life have no doubts about gravity’s existence). In fact, everything on you seems to be heading south with the same enthusiasm as a Scandinavian seeking sun and warmer temperature after a long dark winter. You can’t eat or drink like you used to. Your body refuses to take up positions it formerly did with ease. Parts of your body also start hurting which in itself is not a real problem; the real problem is they don’t stop hurting, it becomes chronic thing. I guess you have to be grateful for that because at least you know they’re there because by now you can’t be sure; your vision is starting to fail at an alarming rate. If you were ugly to start with this is the time to count your blessings because you have nothing to lose. Those of you who were “blessed” with good looks are at a severe disadvantage because your looks will be fading fast and you will be faced with having to make decisions about ways to keep your looks that could potentially make Extreme Makeover look like child’s play, never mind the cost.