Self Discovery....

This is something I wrote a few weeks after I had separated from my hubby:
For most of my life I have been looking for signs of beauty in me. Countless times I have found myself standing in front of the mirror examining the image on display, searching the face and the body for signs that I am beautiful. More often than not I did not find those signs and the feeling beautiful kept eluding me.

This search for signs of my own beauty has been going on for decades. At times I have looked at photos of a much younger self and found beauty in them although I clearly remember at the time I felt all but beautiful. It made me wonder why I could not at the time see what I see years later or why I was not feeling beautiful at all at the time. I have wondered why there had to be a so much time between the me I would later think was beautiful and the me now that still sometimes stands there and searches the mirror for signs of beauty in myself.

Of course for me finding signs of beauty would mean that I would be lovable and acceptable. Not being beautiful meant that I was not one of the lucky ones who deserved to be loved and to have many close friends in my life. Not being beautiful meant that I was not measuring up and that I was forever doomed to hope that one day I would magically change and blossom, that I would one day know without doubt that I am beautiful and therefore worthy. Everything else would fall into place then, but until then I had to wait because it was not going to happen because I was not beautiful enough.

Today I went for my usual Saturday/Sunday two hour walk with my trusty German shepherd (who seems to be of the opinion that I am very beautiful and most definitely lovable and acceptable, and worthy of his close friendship). I brought my iPod this time and with Oliver Shanti’s Medicine Power streaming through the headphones into my ears I walked in a world where my pace was set by drums and gentle Native American chanting. I find with that with Medicine Power I am like a tree that can not help reaching ever taller to get closer to the sky so I walk taller and prouder (and my dog loves this calm assertive me because then I am a pack leader he can trust and be really proud to walk with). My fellow travellers were an eclectic bunch of lone walkers, dog walkers, cyclists and families varying in size and generational span. There seemed to be more smiling faces than normal out there in that bunch today and as I walked on I allowed myself to let the wind pass through me so that I could feel not only tall and proud but also light and breezy.

On our return home I gave my dog a bowl of fresh water and seconded a bottle of cold water from the fridge for myself. Dog and I shared the simple pleasure of cool water after exercise for a moment before he flopped down on his favorite spot in the hallway and I lowered myself into a warm bath to soak a body satisfied from physical exertion. With the echo of the drums and chanting still gently sounding in my head I closed my eyes and relaxed in the bath while the warm water caressed me. It is a simple pleasure that never fails to satisfy. Something stirred me to open my eyes to leave that pleasure though.

A small mirror balances on the bath tub taps and it was in that mirror I saw beauty staring right back at me through clear blue eyes that seemed to reflect the sky that I so often let my eyes scan for signs of my beloved ravens. Those blue eyes rested on pillows made of rosy red cheeks flushed from a walk in the fresh air. Full pink lips formed a gentle smile that softened a face surrounded by a cascade of blonde long hair that seemed to be made of rays from the sun itself. The lines under the eyes that previously had looked like signs of aging now spoke of years of smiles and laughter. There it was – a perfect picture of beauty lovingly locking eyes with me not from a distant past but now in this moment. There I was in all my glory and in all my beauty.

But what was I really looking at there in the mirror? Was it the external features that I just described to you in few words or was it something else? What I realized as I sat there and studied that glorious image in the mirror while it seemed to look back at me with the same curiosity I looked at it with, was that I was looking past all that is the shell that is my body and in this case my face. I realized that I had seen through all the masks I wear and what I saw was the glorious me that lives in the center of my being, that ever beautiful, loving, joyful and peaceful part of me that always is whether I allow myself to acknowledge it or not. I had seen the me that is always going to be beautiful no matter how much my shell is worn out and carries the signs of the life I have lived. I had seen my own beauty and worthiness and better yet it was looking at me with all the love and acceptance I would ever have wanted someone to give to me so that I could feel whole. In that moment I was a perfect being, perfectly worthy and perfectly peaceful and perfectly loved. I was me and from this moment on I will always know that it is who I am whether I choose to see it in the mirror or not.